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Topic: I arrested a time traveler last night, and now I'm in deep shit.....
Something extraordinary happened last night. As I write this, I am currently awaiting trial for violation of several time traveler laws, and could face several years in intergalatic prison as well as suspension of my time travelers license.
It all began last night. I was working traffic on a highway that runs through our county. "You need to make sure you enforce the seatbelt laws tonight, since the Click-it or Ticket program is still in effect.", my Sergeant told me. Well, that ruined my night. I hate working traffic, but at least it would give me an excuse to sit on the side of the road and catch up on some of my reports.
So there I am, sitting on the side of I-70, fully unaware of what the night still had in store for me. I was finishing up a felony menacing report from the other night. I had my speed radar going, but was only lifting my head to check it every couple of minutes. Out in the distance I heard was sounded like George Jetson's space vehicle, purring down the highway, and it was going fucking fast. I look up at my radar, pick up my speed gun, and clocked the little bullet going about 117.
Well, it's on! Turn on my lights, my sirens, and I was on my way. The speeder was going so fast it took me almost two minutes to catch up to him safely. I pull up behind him, and after about a mile I realized he is not going to pull over. I also noticed at the time that he was wearing what appeared to be a tophat. I was about to call into dispatch that I might have a pursuit on my hands, when he finally pulled over. The vehicle was a little VW Golf. What color was it, you ask? Oooohhhhh...it was all colors. It was green, yellow, red, blue, purple, black, white. Every panal on the car was painted a different color. This should have been my first clue.
I call in the vehicles plates to dispatch, and cautiously made my way to the vehicle. Yep, he's wearing a tophat. He's also wearing an ugly pea green t-shirt, and blue spandex pants. "Hi, how are you? I'm Cpl. essaywhutman. Can you give me a reasonable reason why you were going almost forty five miles over the speed limit?"
The guy in the seat couldn't have been older than 21. There was some fast food sitting in the passenger seat. In no particular order, Big Mac, Chick-fil-le sandwich, Half a Subway cookie, most of a large possibly Chipotle burrito, a bong, and a happy meal. Ok, to be honest with you, I could give two shits about people smoking pot. I rarely ever ticket for it. It's a waste of paper if you ask me. However, doing it while driving is bad...mmmkay. I noticted that the bong still had some smoke in it. And if I remember anything from college, its my opinion that he "hit it" as I was walking up to the car.
"Fast? What are you talking about? You can't see me?" He stated (No he's not John Cena, for those of you who were wondering)
"Um..not only did I see you driving like a bat out of hell, I see right now with a bong in your passenger seat, and your wearing a tophat for some reason."
"You dumb fuck. I'm wearing this tophat because of the what's stated in the Time Traveler Code. Didn't you read the fucking handbook?"
"Step out of the car please."
"Please take your hat off first, and grab your license, registration, and proof of insurance."
"Nooo man, I can't take the hat off. I'll be zapped back to 2007!"
What the fuck? 2007? Ok, something isn't right with this boy. And right now the best thing I can do for his safety and my is take him out of his car and away from his drugs and fast food. However, for safety, I'd have to just really quickly make sure that he didn't have any weapons on him.
"I'm just going to go back to my car really quickly and have you stand by your trunk. Really quickly I just need you to turn around so I can check you for weapons."
I was amazed he didn't have any problems with this. Ok, I thought. He turns around to reveal....ass-less pants! That right, two large egg-shaped holes were cut out of his pants, and there it was his ass hanging right out of it. I'd be lying if I said it didn't catch me off guard. "Christ!" I screamed as I jumped back for a second. "What's with your pants?"
"They help increase the velocity of my vehicle." He stated. I checked him quickly, making sure to stray away from his exposed ass-area. And had him sit on the bumper of his car. He gave me his insurance and registration but hadn't given me his license yet.
"I need your license."
"Here." He said as he handed me his tophat. At that time I noticed that he had stapled, sown, taped and glued his license to the brim of his tophat, and there was no getting if off. So I told him to stay seated and headed back to my car with his registration, proof of insurance, and his tophat.
Checked everything out with dispatch. He cleared, no warrents, no criminal history, and his license was good amazingly enough. So I head back to talk to him, and to see what the fuck he had been smoking tonight.
"Alright, before you ask, I have the bong, some meth, a sheet of acid, and about twenty pills of extasy, and I've taken them all tonight." he blatently stated to me. Ok.....this was easy. If he wouldn've said something along the lines of "We can't stop here, this is bat country" I would've just left it as is and retired.
"You've taken all of those tonight? Why on Earth are you driving?"
"Because I have to take these drugs across space and time to the year 2003, where drugs are legalized in America."
"But it's 2004."
"Oh...so you not going to arrest me then?"
So he was promptly arrested for several things. Too many things to list. Most of which were drug offenses.
The drive back to the Jail was long. It's about a forty-five minute drive. I knew however that it would be an entertaining drive.
"Why am I being arrested?" He asks from the comfort of the back seat.
"For several felony drug charges, and for driving under the influence of drugs."
"You didn't give me a sobriety test."
"You told me you had taken those drugs tonight, but I can have a Drug Recognition Officer check you out when we get to the Jail."
"Alright, but one thing you should know."
"What's that?"
"Blarrraggggghhhhhhafhdsfasfdf." Fuck....he was barfing all over the back seat. He tried to talk over his puking, all I could muster out was "I'm barrardsgsa going adsfdsfsf back blarrgetg!"
After rolling down the windows, and spraying the orange spray, that they give to use around dead bodies, I continued talking to him. During the ensuing thirty minutes I learned of what the future would hold. Apparently his original mission was to stop me because in the future I drive my patrol car into the state capitol. Also he told me that in the future, there are no cops, but everyone gets along somehow.
Finally we pull up to the Jail. I hand him off to a booking deputy who gets him checked in and puts him in our "Mental Health" cell. The Mental Health cell is padded, and all it has is a mattress, and a hole in the floor for a toilet drain.
I'm writing my report, when the booking deputy comes into my office. "Corporal. We have a problem." Apparently, the time traveler, had vanished from his cell. I walk to the jail, and up to his holding cell. I opened up the little window built into the door to see if I could see him. Nothing, he wasn't there.
"Well did you go in yet?", I asked the booking deputy.
"I was waiting to get another officer back here to go in with me, in case he was waiting with a shank or something."
Fair enough, I thought, and we opened the door and went in. His clothes were on a pile on the floor. And at first glance he was nowhere to be seen. But then I noticed the mattress looked a little wider. There he was. His little head poking out of the top of the mattress. He crawled inside of the thing, and no looked like a human tampon of sorts. Here's a diagram to better show how it looked:
"Get out of there." I told him.
"Alright...I was just conserving body heat." he informed me.
He began to get out, when I realized he was completley in the nude.
I informed the other officer to just let the guy galavant around his cell naked. Because its better to just let him remain content. I spoke with the booking officer for about twenty minutes.
"Uggghhh...yeah....ughhhh..."
A strange noise was coming from the Time Traveler's cell. The other deputy and I approached in caution. I looked in the window. We was on the floor with his legs spread open, and his middle finger up his ass. There was shit all over the cell.
"What the fuck are you doing?"
"I'm having sex." He stated back at me.
Alright. This kid is going to be a major problem. "Get him cleaned up, and take him down the mental health ward to have him checked out."
The jail officers were weary about getting infected with whatever disease this kid had. And since this morning I learned that he has Hep C, and is HIV +. The jail deputies dressed up in riot gear to extract this kid out of his cell and into the shower. They opened up his door, and he was still finger fucking himself, but now with his thumb. He stuck his thumb up and stated "Oh what a lovely tea party!" He was sticking his thumb up in the air, with a little piece of shit hanging of the side.
He was extracted without incident, cleaned and taken to the mental health center. That was the last I hear from him, until this morning.
"I'm sending you a fax." stated my Sargeant on the phone. It was 10:30 in the morning on my day off (today), and I had only been home for a couple of hours. I was fucking tired. I walked to my fax machine to find that it was printing out some notebook scriblings. The letter from my Sargeant stated that these were "The Time Traveler manifestos", I decided to wait to read it until I was able to wake up.
I only slept about four hours and walked directly to the fax machine only to find the manifesto gone. I went down stairs into the kichen to find my wife perusing it.
"Boy this guy really hates you" she said as she handed me the papers. The manifesto was almost twenty five pages long. Here are some of the highlights (Since they're were some threats made in the manifesto I can't reporduce it exactly, as it is under investigation):
-I have been courtmarshelled by the Time Travel Advisory Board.
-I will stand trial in the year 2007 at some point next week.
-I smell like Lilac.
-I look like the kid from step by step, JT.
-I have broke at least twelve time travel codes, all of which were listed and defined in the manifesto.
-I'm looking at almost three hundred years doing hard labor on pluto, where he states that the "warden" of the planet is none other than Emilio Estavez.
-The letter also includes threats to myself as well as several other public officals.
-Also the letter included several recipies for things like Three Layer Dip, and Enchilada Cassarole.
I love and loathe my job.