Oh yes, you are. People who work on tech help lines are not THE COMPANY. they are a bunch of poor, unlucky fools, who have, for whatever reason, landed up on the other end of that phone. there is no point in...
- Trying the assertive act "I WANT TO CANCEL" (fair enough, you do, no problems, now, STOP SHOUTING IN MY EAR!)
- The condescending approach.. (look mate, if you were that great, you would magic what you need out of the air, you can't, so be nice)
- The Insane approach.. ( Wombledown, wimbledown, wombling free... lalala)
- The fake posh accent.. (you are STILL dropping your H's, sweetheart)
- Threatening court... so what, it's not my arse on the line!
I think the prevalence of this attitude, coupled with the growing need and trend to replace public store fronts with websites and phone numbers will lead to customer satisfaction continuing to fall. Websites and phone numbers are, of course, not to blame because the problem is actually the way in which companies are forced to use these perfectly benign tools in order to keep up with the latest business fashions, stay profitable and minimise their outgoings.
L = Average call length (minutes)
H = Number of hours the call centre is open
E = Number of Employees
It makes sense for the manager of a company that is replacing a customer facing shop with a phone number to employ only as many people as neccesary to answer the incoming calls. Unfortunatly people, especially in large numbers, have the annoying habit of following patterns and they will all try to call when it's easiest for them. Some examples of when it might be easiest for them: during their lunch hour, when they get home from work or after picking the kids up from school. So, the manager who is trying to figure out how many people to employ may oversimplify the equation. Say he already has some idea of the volume of calls they are likely to receive and how long, on average, they will last. Let's say 8,000 calls a day, on average 6 minutes long on the phone number that he wants to run from 9am til 5pm. So, on average 1,000 calls an hour, one employee can handle 10 calls per hour so 100 staff is enough, right?
Well, no. During peak times the phones would never stop ringing and still people wouldn't be getting through to talk to someone. In off-peak times most of the employees are sat around doing nothing. Both of these scenarios are what managers stay awake at night thinking about (I suspect). If only the manager could somehow force the people to call at off peak times. Well, there is one way, the dreaded call queue. This means that peak time can be spread over the following hours as well. Unfortunatly this has the inexplicable effect of pissing people off so when they do get through they're really angry. It also means that the people answering the call have another call to answer as soon as they're done with the previous call so they get no chance to procrastinate and get there head back together between each angry customer whose been waiting however long listening to terrible hold music.
What else can a call centre manager do to reduce employee costs, well there is always reducing the number of full time staff and having part-time people who come in at peak times. Ok, what else, then the manager can encourage people to work faster, get the calls over with quicker, people who are fast at working can be rewarded and those who take too long, who are obviously not pulling their weight can be gently encouraged to go faster or fired. That's like evolution at work right? No, unless your idea of "fitter" is miserable and incompetent staff and customers only ringing up in order to cancel their subscription (or whatever) because the telephone support is attrocious. Why would it get so bad? Let's see, the manager is encouraging staff to hang up. So for a start there will be no pleasantries like "Hello", "Goodbye" or "Is there anything else I can help you with?" it'll just be "what?... ok done." followed by them hanging up and rubbing more speed into their gums. Also staff are going to be reluctant to solve the difficult problems, so the people that end up doing the tougher stuff are going to look slow, then the manager's going have the audacity to tell the people doing the real work to work faster. So the capable people are going to leave after getting pissed off or fired because they look too slow and get replaced by people who have no experience.
Businesses of course now have this new tool which helps reduce the number of people calling the phone number and that is the website. So the poor over-worked call-centre staff can get a break from the tedious repetitive tasks they are programmed and the website does it for practically no cost compared to an employee at a desk. The webserver is non-union, doesn't need holiday just occasionally rebooting and some pound coins running through the meter (assuming the web server is being run from St. Mary's Hall. There are a few problems, not everyone has the internet. That might seem obvious, but no, most companies think that only weirdos don't have the internet to the point that it is actually impossible to sign up for some ISPs (such as Force9) without already having the internet. Then there are the problems like the fact that blind people can't read the website becuase the designer decided to put everything inside an image because it would save 10 minutes (and the designer's boss was probably encouraging him to go faster). Then there's websites that when you get to them, if you're lucky enough to not be blind and actually have the internet, that have forms which have so many restrictions you never actually manage to enter all the details properly. I think the problem of trying to save 10 minutes is responsible for this. Rather than finding a way to be able to accept comments longer than 250 characters it's just quicker to keep it limited. Such restrictions originate, I imagine, from the underlying database, which was probably knocked up by someone whose boss was gently encouraging them to work faster.
It used to be ok for managers to expect employees to work a little bit faster, but now there are so many knock-on effects that amplify by the time they reach the customer that I think it's actually a big problem for the capitalist system. Having said all that I would rather live in a capitalist system where my services are shoddy and poorly supported everything takes me frustratingly long to get resolved and work in a job where my boss breathes down my neck expecting to squeeze a bit more productivity out of me than live under some kind of communist system where I'd have to share the fruits of my labour with lazy people who don't do anything.
I work in a call center, you are so wrong you have no idea. The majority of our customers are, plain and simple, idiots. Until you have to deal with their unbridled thickness, day in, day out, you will have no idea why we sound so disinterested. The general public are unbearably thick and un-reasonable. the theory that they are the working man, and therefore right by default.. horredously misplaced. We cannot write off a bill because you are..
- On benfits
- Ill
- Depressed in some way
- your kid ran it up
- You have no money spare right now
- you left the phone off the hook
- Are eighty (sixty/fifty whatever)
- Going through a divorce (don't shout at us, phone the solicitors)
- Dead (probate matey)
- Not the person who signed up?? Data Protection Act... MAKE THEM PHONE. IF THE LAZY CUNT CARED, THEY WOULD.
- Have'nt used it (line rental = LINE RENTAL)
- Are deaf (GET TEXT PHONE, YOU ARE DISABLED, NOT STUPID!)
- The internet did it (you are liable for all calls made through your line, prosecute the responsible party, not us, get decent spywarez. Or, stay off the innernets if you have no idea at all)
- Are the carer of someone mentally incapable (you have right of attorney... good, now, LOOK AFTER YOUR WARD, OR give the poor neglected sod over to the care of someone who can!)
- Did'nt realise premium rate calls cost £1.50 or more (keep of the sex lines, you idiot, yes, we can instantly trace the call source.)
Get over it. If you ring and the staff are less than overjoyed, do the world a long term favour. mate with someone intelligent. Poison the stupid.
- The reason you cannot get through a lot of the time is because, despite free schooling for all, most people..
A/ cannot read their bills
B/cannot do math
C/do not bother reading their bills
D/ want an argument
E/ Are bored.
F/ Have the wrong number
G/ Think they are calling God
H/ Are three, and got us on autoredial
I/ only call as it is a freephone number (or so they think) and therefore will ask somthing totally pointless for the sheer hell of it.
J/ Are ninety, with no family to speak of, and so lonely any human voice will do.
K/ Have the wrong number, and actually need NHS direct.
L/ Are stoned.
I suggest eugenics. Appart from the J category, the rest should be rendered sterile as quickly as possible.